Coming in the Backdoor
by savinglives44
Summary: Cuddy and House discuss a certain type of porn that House likes to watch. Very inappropriate, but humorous.


**Coming in the Backdoor**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters!**

**Warning: This is very inappropriate. Haha. Don't read if you get offended by "backdoor" sex.**

* * *

"Bullshit. You don't know what you're saying," House proclaimed rather loudly in a very secluded section of the PPTH medical library.

Cuddy blushed, and scanned the aisle to make sure no one heard him. "Shhh. There are people around." She'd been avoiding House all day, until he cornered her with the intention of discussing their encounter from the previous night. "We shouldn't be talking about this at work."

"You're the one who said you wouldn't mind have my dick in your-"

She covered his mouth with her hand. "You're making me sound obscene."

He lightly bit at her palm, and she yanked her hand back. "You are obscene. I was just watching porn."

She lowered her voice to the quietest whisper. "You were getting off to a girl..." She mouthed with an expression of disbelief, "...taking it in the ass."

"So? You weren't home. I was bored." He shrugged, "If this is news to you...dude...you have been in denial for your entire life. Guys like porn. It's a fact."

Cuddy stared at the row of books in front of her and crossed her arms. "I'm not mad about the porn. But why did it have to be..._that kind_?" She stressed.

"Wait a minute-" House waved his hands in front of her. "This is about you. You said you wanted it! And now you're reconsidering."

Cuddy turned away from him, with the horribly embarrassed feeling she'd seen much of lately. She hadn't meant to tease him or bait him with the possibility of anal sex. It sort of...just came out as a defense mechanism. "I just don't want to leave you unsatisfied. I don't want you turning to porn- or other things." She supposed she was blowing this out of proportion. But when she walked in on him watching it, she'd felt inadequate and then spent the whole day analyzing what it meant to him. Eventually, she came to the conclusion that he was going to break up with her if she did not let him do this.

"You're being ridiculous!" His voice grew louder again, "Watching porn does not make me a cheater!"

She placed her hands on his shoulders. "Quiet down!" She gave him a quick peck on the lips and looked down at his chest. "I know. I'm sorry. It's just hard for me to understand..." She pressed her forehead against his chest and his chin came to rest on her head. "I mean, you do realize...that's how gay guys have sex." His chest heaved against her, and he tightened his arms around her in frustration. "It's not gay," he said forcefully.

She tilted her head to the side in thought, pressing her cheek against him. "But it is...you can have sex that way with a guy." She could feel the heat rising in him, and enjoyed it.

"No!" He brought her away from him to look at her. "You don't understand. It takes like two minutes to come. Because it's so much better and tighter and..." He stopped, because Cuddy was withdrawing from him.

"I knew you wanted to do it!" She didn't realize the extent to which he fantasized about this. She'd rarely even thought about it until she saw him watching it being performed. It was odd, because they shared everything and now this was standing like a wall between them.

House ran his hands through his hair. "So, first you accused me of being a cheater, and then I was gay, and now I'm in trouble for being straight? I can't win. Might as well go jack off to my porn again!"

She mumbled a low groan to keep from screaming at him and clenched her fists. "I just feel like I haven't been a very good girlfriend because I didn't pick up on the fact that you want this."

"Well, don't feel like that." He leaned against the bookshelf.

"I can't help it," She remained distant from him. "I'm inexperienced, and obviously, you are not." She looked at him, hoping he'd refute her.

He didn't. "I don't care about that. Let me make this clear: I am very happy with our sex life." He paused, taking a minute to check her out, all hot and frustrated in a tight dress. "Estatic, even." He gave her a look that sent shivers of pleasure through her spine, a look that said he needed her. "All this talking..." He trailed off and closed in the distance between them, running a hand up her thigh.

"You were saying how much better..." She leaned forward and pressed her breasts against him, "...and tighter..." She stroked a hand down his back, and rested it on the base of his spine, "...did you learn that from Wilson?"

"Okay." He dropped her out of his arms immediately and closed his eyes, pacing the length of the hallway. "You've officially ruined backdoor sex for me forever. Congratulations."

"I couldn't resist," She smiled at him. "I just don't know how to talk about this. It's like I'm a virgin again." She sighed.

House's eyes perked up. "A virgin?" All thoughts of Wilson vanished at the prospect of taking Cuddy's innocence...all to himself. "I guess you are a backdoor virgin." He inched closer to her.

"An eager-to-learn backdoor virgin." She took charge with an mischievous smile and gleam in her eyes. She stood on her tippytoes and bit his lip without touching any other part of his body.

When she fell back on her heels, his mouth followed hers. "Cuddy," He sucked on her bottom lip, "you don't have to do it. It's just a fantasy."

"I'm not afraid," she said boldly, even though she was. She didn't want him to think she couldn't deliver anything he wanted, sexually. And she'd always been a risk-taker in bed. "I'd do it for you." It could be like a blowjob, something they did on special occasions, and she could always use another way to bribe House for good behavior at the hospital or for more clinic hours.

"Like I said," he lifted her chin so they were eye to eye, "You don't know what you're talking about, what you're offering."

Cuddy could feel herself getting upset again, but now she felt more hurt than anger. "You don't want to do it with me? You've already done it with someone else!" Someone she definitely didn't want to know about, but of whom she was very jealous. "When you fantasize about you know..." she mouthed again, "...backdoor sex...I don't want you drawing on memories of some other girl!" Those memories should be with her. She knew she couldn't erase everything that had happened between him and other women before they started sleeping together, but she could try.

"Cuddy!" He tightened his face into a frown of ambivalence. He shook his head in embarrassment. "It would hurt you A LOT."

She reacted in fear for a split second before splaying a fake half smile on her face. "You know I like that sometimes." Truthfully, she did like it when House lost his control with her. When he threw her against the bed, held on too tightly, slammed into her too hard. She felt oddly secure with him, and the adrenaline rush that came with the minor pain made for a mindblowing orgasm. Still, she'd never had anything inserted up her ass, much less anything moving around in there and she could imagine that it was painful.

He shook his head again. "I could never hurt you like that."

It was endearing, but it didn't change the fact that he had hurt someone like that before and liked it. And that person wasn't her. She couldn't live with that, so she made up another excuse. "I've read in a magazine or something that it- um- feels good after a while." She watched his face hopefully, but not really convinced herself.

"Cuddy, you know how big my dick is."

She laughed. Not because it wasn't true, but because he was using this rather sensitive moment to boost his ego a little.

"Seriously!" He was laughing too. "And it has to fit into a very small area and it hurts! You can't handle it."

Can't. That word wasn't in her vocabulary. It unleashed the fury of her competitiveness. She glared at him, challenging him, "Prove it."

He was taken aback at her response, but quickly replied in equal spite, "I don't need to. I know it."

"Coward." She spit back.

He saw through her plan to get him all angry and hot for her. He took a deep breath and remained calm. "No, Cuddy. You're being irrational. Only one of us can be immature at a time or else all hell will break loose. Let me know when your brain is working again so I know when to switch back."

He was infuriating. "Fine," she said curtly. "I will just find the book that I'm looking for and then if I'm really lucky, there'll be some guy out there who wants to give it to me in the ass so I'll know what it feels like and you can stop being so fucking afraid of hurting me."

"Well-played." He shook his finger at her. "Don't mess with me, Cuddy. I'm almost angry enough to bend you over right in the middle of the library and make you scream until I come. It wouldn't be very long, of course, but it would be worth it."

"Then why don't you?" She asked through gritted teeth. He was just so HOT and he was talking about bending her over and screaming and she was having a hard time not jumping him.

House gasped in faux shock. "I would never compromise my morals for sex! No, I'll let you find your book and your random ass-fuck guy and I'll raise above you in ethics."

Cuddy stomped and steamed away and pretended to look for a book. She didn't actually need one, and she was so angry that all the call numbers looked blurry. Or maybe she just needed her glasses. Who even wrote books that thick? Obviously, someone who wasn't-

Her trail of thought was abruptly interrupted when she felt two fingers pressing hard into her ass through her skirt, stretch the fabric to slide between her cheeks. She jumped as House barely touched her asshole. "House! You scared me!"

He was walking away from her smirking. "I knew you couldn't handle it."

* * *

A/N: Hope you all enjoyed! :) I have a couple more chapters planned, which are even more NC-17. But I also think this stands well alone.

Sorry if the characters are a little OOC. I tried my best.

BTW, how about that awesome season premiere? All my Huddy dreams came true!

Thanks for reading!


End file.
